Day 3! I get to start a new count

well it finally paid off, Falcor arrived swept in and saved me, saved my life!

I m in COMPLETE REMISSION! well up just typing the words!

went for my pre chemo bloods, normal routine, had been the week from hell for me and everyone else too, irritable and feeling lost and out of control. If I'm honest I wanted to smash something up! butt he denby crockery at home was too expensive! lol

Had my bloods as lister and then saw a missed call from my nurse, my heart lept into my mouth, why was she calling, bad news i was convinced, warning me of bad news, so I didn't make a show of myself in clinic on Thursday!

didn't want to call her back, too frightened! what would she say, but had to call!
she told me she had the results! she has seen the PET scan, and it was all gone, what does that mean i asked her hoping with all my heart it meant what I thought it did)
"it means the cancer has gone, its clear, nothing there, your in remission"

I broke down, couldn't speak, was it right, had I actually won

were they sure it was my scan, my results

I m clear, free, I did it, we did it, beat the unbeatable, survived the worst, all the horrendous months worth it, every thing is mine again, I can have my life back, I can be a mum, a wife, a sister, a daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, friend again.... most importantly I can be ME

so we did it, all together like I hoped we would, couldn't have done it without my family and friends
, they have been truly amazing, cant even begin to say how good, good isn't a good enough word!

fantastic, amazing, brilliant splendid, special, exceptional, superb...magificant

one more chemo, on 11th July, recovery and I m there, Lenny you lost, what a loser you are, we knew you were stupid and you didn't know who you were messing with, I wasn't going down without a huge fight! wish i felt well enough to celebrate, but real celebration will be when its the real end, we aren't there yet, more chemo to get over, and its fed harder each time, But I can do it once more, even if last night I wasn't sure, I feel stronger again today, and I wont be beaten or broken down.

Boys ride done, raised over a £1000 , well done, couldn't be prouder of them all, and everyone who endured the down pour to support them , what a brilliant bunch of amazing people! love you all x

 

so I m counting AGAIN, counting remission days, let the party commence!

 ( just as soon as I feel better)

cant believe it! Remission! the best word in the world

chairty !

big bike ride day

help us smash the target ....

at 955.00 total at the moment, we would like to get to 1000!

please sponsor what you can on the link below .....

http://www.justgiving.com/Tracey-Merryweather

scaniexty

Friday the 10th June is scan day, having scaniexty, so worried, anxious, not sleeping well, brain working over time and seems to be worse at night , things are always worse at night though

what will the results be, wont find out till 16th june in clinc withe the prof

results have never been so significant, our whole future depends on these results, they mean life of death really. there isnt a better way to say it or clearer way to show the importance of these results

 We need to see that lenny has gone, or is close to being vapurised, as I can only have 8 chemo cycles of r chop, I ve had 6, so only two more to go now

There is other treatment, radiotherapy, I may need that anyway,I just would like to know what to expect, but thats the thing abut cancer, you arent in control, cancer is, cancer is the boss, he says what happens, although you can try and boss him arounbd and tell him what for, ultimately he decides your future.

I would like to be cancer free , I want to hear the words remission soon, had enough of this journey.  

anyway more nice things to think about, after the results wont be long till the family holiday, mum dad mand me keith and the little special light of my life Lottie, a week by the seaside, cant wait, walks on the beach, nice food, good company and fun days out! cant blooming wait :-)

...........and this weekend, the boys chairty bike ride, 12th June, round richmond park, we need to get some more sponsorships so if you are reading this please sponsor the boys and help raise as much as we can to support the UCLH , good luck to my fab husband Keith, Dad,cousin Colin, Kieron, Carl, Justin and Dave, we will all be there to support you, photos to follow next week.  lets see how much we can smash the target ! current total at £555!

http://www.justgiving.com/Tracey-Merryweather

F and P

Not updated the blog for a while, spent most of the week asleep and feeling rough, hardest cycle yet, think that they just get harder so need to reserve some strength for the next two fights, least i know that's all the chemo I can have, you can only have 8 cycles of r-chop, so if that hasn't blasted "the nothing/Lenny " into outer space than its some other treatment, I cant wait to finish this chemo business , its no picnic, knew it would be hard but didn't anticipate it being quite so draining. next chemo is 16th June and I have a scan booked for next Friday to See what 6 rounds has achieved,I  expect huge amounts of anxiety and fear on the days leading up to the results, the big day, 16th June, what will they be able to tell me, please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me, I need as much luck as I can get, Falcor?? where are you!?

Mostly this week I have been left with two words in my head, fear and panic, I thought I understood those words, but I never thought I would know fear like this, or panic, real fear is not knowing what the future holds for you, will I see my Lottie grow up( damn right I will, I m not going anywhere) but that is kind of out of my hands, I can fight but only Lenny gets to decide, he is a like a mean Simon Cowell, he has his opinion and holds his cards until the end! Its mostly at night when "the fear" creeps in,  fear is silent and sneaky,  slithering around waiting to jump into your mind just when its time to rest and relax, spinning ideas into your mind that you should/wouldn't and never thought you would have to think about. He has a best friend, panic, once fear has wrapped and tangled your thoughts panic joins him and starts that sick feeling in your stomach, your eyes to well up and a lump appear in your throat, and before you know it your heart is breaking and mind is warped. I m learning to bring myself back from the panic and fear world, or even better, not to let them both take over in the first place. Why should they win, I don't need another fight on my hands against this deadly pair, I m already fighting Lenny the almost invincible tumour, so fear and panic can naff off!

There are a things that I have realised since starting this and the most important one is just how lucky I am to have such an amazing family.

One special person who goes without credit is my sister

I'm not sure I would have coped at all, a huge tower of strength and continuing support even on the bad days, and they are more frequent recently. and I when f and p take over I m very moody, I know I m doing that, I know I ve changed as a person but I cant help it

I shall make it up to her tonight, at the party, off to Becs 40th, and looking forward to a night out, Lottie has a fab new dress to wear, she is going to look super special as always.

I ve had a lovely day so far today , F and P haven't mad an appearance! but two others did, I

Met the Lovely Mortimer and Miss T( mrs T now!) recently married and looking fab together, really cheered me up to see some special old faces( old as in old friends not old faces! )

the boys bike ride next Sunday the 12th June , Richmond park, hope to be able to go and support my husband and great friends and family whilst the cycle to raise money for the UCLH :)