F and P

Not updated the blog for a while, spent most of the week asleep and feeling rough, hardest cycle yet, think that they just get harder so need to reserve some strength for the next two fights, least i know that's all the chemo I can have, you can only have 8 cycles of r-chop, so if that hasn't blasted "the nothing/Lenny " into outer space than its some other treatment, I cant wait to finish this chemo business , its no picnic, knew it would be hard but didn't anticipate it being quite so draining. next chemo is 16th June and I have a scan booked for next Friday to See what 6 rounds has achieved,I  expect huge amounts of anxiety and fear on the days leading up to the results, the big day, 16th June, what will they be able to tell me, please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me, I need as much luck as I can get, Falcor?? where are you!?

Mostly this week I have been left with two words in my head, fear and panic, I thought I understood those words, but I never thought I would know fear like this, or panic, real fear is not knowing what the future holds for you, will I see my Lottie grow up( damn right I will, I m not going anywhere) but that is kind of out of my hands, I can fight but only Lenny gets to decide, he is a like a mean Simon Cowell, he has his opinion and holds his cards until the end! Its mostly at night when "the fear" creeps in,  fear is silent and sneaky,  slithering around waiting to jump into your mind just when its time to rest and relax, spinning ideas into your mind that you should/wouldn't and never thought you would have to think about. He has a best friend, panic, once fear has wrapped and tangled your thoughts panic joins him and starts that sick feeling in your stomach, your eyes to well up and a lump appear in your throat, and before you know it your heart is breaking and mind is warped. I m learning to bring myself back from the panic and fear world, or even better, not to let them both take over in the first place. Why should they win, I don't need another fight on my hands against this deadly pair, I m already fighting Lenny the almost invincible tumour, so fear and panic can naff off!

There are a things that I have realised since starting this and the most important one is just how lucky I am to have such an amazing family.

One special person who goes without credit is my sister

I'm not sure I would have coped at all, a huge tower of strength and continuing support even on the bad days, and they are more frequent recently. and I when f and p take over I m very moody, I know I m doing that, I know I ve changed as a person but I cant help it

I shall make it up to her tonight, at the party, off to Becs 40th, and looking forward to a night out, Lottie has a fab new dress to wear, she is going to look super special as always.

I ve had a lovely day so far today , F and P haven't mad an appearance! but two others did, I

Met the Lovely Mortimer and Miss T( mrs T now!) recently married and looking fab together, really cheered me up to see some special old faces( old as in old friends not old faces! )

the boys bike ride next Sunday the 12th June , Richmond park, hope to be able to go and support my husband and great friends and family whilst the cycle to raise money for the UCLH :)