I am feeling better today,no more miserable thoughts, stop moaning I said and I had a word with myself,I didn't feel like i was being me with all the worry and moaning, its just not my style.
although I have things to worry about I refuse to let them take over my life, cancer has taken enough time away from me and I must remember I am the boss!
I have had a few pains in my chest,to be honest its very painful to say the least, so I plucked up the courage to call the CNS and tell her that it was painful and I had concerns, needless to say they were helpful and reassuring as always and have brought my appointment forward to tomorrow. I.m not sure what they will do/say, I will cross that bridge tomorrow.
as for today we have had lots to be happy for, Lottie has started back at nursery and is really enjoying it, Its great for her to be back doing what three year olds should do. I really miss her, she is so much fun and keeps me entertained, but it only makes me enjoy the times she is at home even more than before.so is so perfect, when I look at her I cant quite believe how lucky I am and how amazing it is that I am part of what made her and she is everything me and Keith ever dreamed for.
For being such a good girl me and Mandy took Lottie out for dinner, Its been a hard day, first real steps to getting our old life back, with trying to get Lottie settled at nursery and going into work for the first time in a while. I was really nervous about seeing people but it was nice but I felt odd, like a new starter etc, but I miss it, and the people. when I m ready I will return and be moaning about it before you know it :-)
just as we take our first few steps forward Keith is poorly, off to hospital but home again , nothing serious but he isn't very well :0( my turn to look after him for a few days, least I might feel useful and needed, I cant remember the last time I felt like that.
time for bed soon, long day tomorrow at hospital, hope there isn't too much of a wait, I am really tired and would like a nap!
one step
haven't posted for a while, been more roller coaster days, extreme highs and lows.
we had a wonderful break to centre parcs, beautiful setting, great weather, lovely accommodation, and a visit from my special family, what else could you want? I sound spoilt but there was something nagging away at me, maybe I will be stuck with that feeling forever, niggling and poking and telling me I don't deserve to be happy, safe or well. being poorly didn't help.
I wasn't well enough to fully enjoy the break, being fatigued is an understatement, I feel worse now than right at the beginning when this all started, just a different feeling, tired and emotional and extremely stressed.
this feeling is worse at night, aren't things always worse at night, It keeps me awake, my body wants to sleep but all I can do it think, my brain kicks in and starts to write a list of all my worries and fears, I try to ignore it but it continues without my permission and I feel somewhat helpless to stop. I haven't slept well since before last Christmas. Maybe this is how I will always have to live, I hope not, I want to be normal, I have never wanted to be 'just like everyone else' but I couldn't want that more at the moment ..... just to be like everyone else, worrying about trivial things, having hair! going to work, eating well, feeling normal, not feeling scared.
I want to walk down the street and people not to notice me, not to take that second glance, when they thing, why is she wearing a hat? whats with the scarf, they only draw attention to the fact that I had cancer, like a label, like a flashing sign for everyone to read. hurry up and grow hair, I m not patient and I have had enough now,.
reading back I m moaning again and for once, I don't care, I feel like moaning, I ve had a horrible weekend and feel like being selfish for a change. I am miserable and there isn't a thing that can change that.......... at the moment.
we had a wonderful break to centre parcs, beautiful setting, great weather, lovely accommodation, and a visit from my special family, what else could you want? I sound spoilt but there was something nagging away at me, maybe I will be stuck with that feeling forever, niggling and poking and telling me I don't deserve to be happy, safe or well. being poorly didn't help.
I wasn't well enough to fully enjoy the break, being fatigued is an understatement, I feel worse now than right at the beginning when this all started, just a different feeling, tired and emotional and extremely stressed.
this feeling is worse at night, aren't things always worse at night, It keeps me awake, my body wants to sleep but all I can do it think, my brain kicks in and starts to write a list of all my worries and fears, I try to ignore it but it continues without my permission and I feel somewhat helpless to stop. I haven't slept well since before last Christmas. Maybe this is how I will always have to live, I hope not, I want to be normal, I have never wanted to be 'just like everyone else' but I couldn't want that more at the moment ..... just to be like everyone else, worrying about trivial things, having hair! going to work, eating well, feeling normal, not feeling scared.
I want to walk down the street and people not to notice me, not to take that second glance, when they thing, why is she wearing a hat? whats with the scarf, they only draw attention to the fact that I had cancer, like a label, like a flashing sign for everyone to read. hurry up and grow hair, I m not patient and I have had enough now,.
reading back I m moaning again and for once, I don't care, I feel like moaning, I ve had a horrible weekend and feel like being selfish for a change. I am miserable and there isn't a thing that can change that.......... at the moment.
hardest point
so, its all over, job done, you won, we did it, the worst is over.................. if only that was true, I don't believe any of those are true, I'm left now feeling more worried than ever, more vulnerable and scared, what happens now? wait for Lenny to be the come back king, have to fight again? no fight left, more exhausted than i have ever been!
feel a bit like I'm alone, waiting for bad news, but surely I am over the worst and I did win, it might be over, no one can tell the future. I don't like the not knowing, not be able to plan, we never planned for cancer to turn up and steal 8 months of my life this year. and who knows how much longer Lenny will steal from us.
I thought this was going to be a great year, everything ahead of us, my perfect family. We did make the most of it, we had fun, we didn't let everyday get us down, we smiled through the misery and unknown and continuous anxiety
but I try to refuse to be a misery and there are lots of bonus points to be had, good times to enjoy, things that I can do now that I couldn't before! the saying that life is too short really has a meaning these days.
least i can taste things, no ulcer, I can eat what I want and can try to make the most of a bad situation and make the most of time I feel OK.. when I m not asleep, never been this tired, eyes burn head roles, cant concentrate I and feel as tired when I wake up as I do when I go to bed, that's not right is it!
but Lottie keeps me smiling the most, she is one whirlwind of fun, happy smiles, full ideas and great new little sayings everyday which make me laugh out loud. a real ray of sunshine, and the cutest part is she has no agenda, no idea, she does it naturally, and for that and so many other reasons she is perfect.
reading back what I've written, its a roller coaster of ups and downs, and just reading this post tells me that, I feel like I am real mixed bag of emotions, but isn't everyone?
who knows what the future holds, all I know is I want to make the most of whatever it might be, with the special people that i love so much. I hope these hard times pass quickly and that cancer is a word I don't think about every day, I m not sure that day will every come, I can hardly go an hour without thinking about it at the moment so I have a lot of work to do to get to a whole day!
feel a bit like I'm alone, waiting for bad news, but surely I am over the worst and I did win, it might be over, no one can tell the future. I don't like the not knowing, not be able to plan, we never planned for cancer to turn up and steal 8 months of my life this year. and who knows how much longer Lenny will steal from us.
I thought this was going to be a great year, everything ahead of us, my perfect family. We did make the most of it, we had fun, we didn't let everyday get us down, we smiled through the misery and unknown and continuous anxiety
but I try to refuse to be a misery and there are lots of bonus points to be had, good times to enjoy, things that I can do now that I couldn't before! the saying that life is too short really has a meaning these days.
least i can taste things, no ulcer, I can eat what I want and can try to make the most of a bad situation and make the most of time I feel OK.. when I m not asleep, never been this tired, eyes burn head roles, cant concentrate I and feel as tired when I wake up as I do when I go to bed, that's not right is it!
but Lottie keeps me smiling the most, she is one whirlwind of fun, happy smiles, full ideas and great new little sayings everyday which make me laugh out loud. a real ray of sunshine, and the cutest part is she has no agenda, no idea, she does it naturally, and for that and so many other reasons she is perfect.
reading back what I've written, its a roller coaster of ups and downs, and just reading this post tells me that, I feel like I am real mixed bag of emotions, but isn't everyone?
who knows what the future holds, all I know is I want to make the most of whatever it might be, with the special people that i love so much. I hope these hard times pass quickly and that cancer is a word I don't think about every day, I m not sure that day will every come, I can hardly go an hour without thinking about it at the moment so I have a lot of work to do to get to a whole day!
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