hardest point

so, its all over, job done, you won, we did it, the worst is over.................. if only that was true, I don't believe any of those are true, I'm left now feeling more worried than ever, more vulnerable and scared, what happens now? wait for Lenny to be the come back king, have to fight again? no fight left, more exhausted than i have ever been!

feel a bit like I'm alone, waiting for bad news, but surely I am over the worst and I did win, it might be over, no one can tell the future. I don't like the not knowing, not be able to plan, we never planned for cancer to turn up and steal 8 months of my life this year. and who knows how much longer Lenny will steal from us.
 I thought this was going to be a great year, everything ahead of us, my perfect family. We did make the most of it, we had fun, we didn't let everyday get us down, we smiled through the misery and unknown and continuous anxiety
but I try to refuse to be a misery and there are lots of bonus points to be had, good times to enjoy, things that I can do now that I couldn't before! the saying that life is too short really has a meaning these days.

least i can taste things, no ulcer, I can eat what I want and can try to make the most of a bad situation and make the most of time I feel OK.. when I m not asleep, never been this tired, eyes burn head roles, cant concentrate I and feel as tired when I wake up as I do when I go to bed, that's not right is it!

but Lottie keeps me smiling the most, she is one whirlwind of fun, happy smiles, full ideas and great new little sayings everyday which make me laugh out loud. a real ray of sunshine, and the cutest part is she has no agenda, no idea, she does it naturally, and for that and so many other reasons she is perfect.

reading back what I've written, its a roller coaster of ups and downs, and just reading this post tells me that, I feel like I am real mixed bag of emotions, but isn't everyone?

who knows what the future holds, all I know is I want to make the most of whatever it might be, with the special people that i love so much. I hope these hard times pass quickly and that cancer is a word I don't think about every day, I m not sure that day will every come, I can hardly go an hour without thinking about it at the moment so I have a lot of work to do to get to a whole day!