one step

haven't posted for a while, been more roller coaster days, extreme highs and lows.

we had a wonderful break to centre parcs, beautiful setting, great weather, lovely accommodation, and a visit from my special family, what else could you want? I sound spoilt but there was something nagging away at me, maybe I will be stuck with that feeling forever, niggling and poking and telling me I don't deserve to be happy, safe or well. being poorly didn't help.

I wasn't well enough to fully enjoy the break, being fatigued is an understatement, I feel worse now than right at the beginning when this all started, just a different feeling, tired and emotional and extremely stressed.

this feeling is worse at night, aren't things always worse at night, It keeps me awake, my body wants to sleep but all I can do it think, my brain kicks in and starts to write a list of all my worries and fears, I try to ignore it but it continues without my permission and I feel somewhat helpless to stop. I haven't slept well since before last Christmas. Maybe this is how I will always have to live, I hope not, I want to be normal, I have never wanted to be 'just  like everyone else' but I couldn't want that more at the moment ..... just to be like everyone else, worrying about trivial things, having hair! going to work, eating well, feeling normal, not feeling scared.

I want to walk down the street and people not to notice me, not to take that second glance, when they thing, why is she wearing a hat? whats with the scarf, they only draw attention to the fact that I had cancer, like a label, like a flashing sign for everyone to read. hurry up and grow hair, I m not patient and I have had enough now,.

reading back I m moaning again and for once, I don't care, I feel like moaning, I ve had a horrible weekend and feel like being selfish for a change. I am miserable and there isn't a thing that can change that.......... at the moment.