F and P

Not updated the blog for a while, spent most of the week asleep and feeling rough, hardest cycle yet, think that they just get harder so need to reserve some strength for the next two fights, least i know that's all the chemo I can have, you can only have 8 cycles of r-chop, so if that hasn't blasted "the nothing/Lenny " into outer space than its some other treatment, I cant wait to finish this chemo business , its no picnic, knew it would be hard but didn't anticipate it being quite so draining. next chemo is 16th June and I have a scan booked for next Friday to See what 6 rounds has achieved,I  expect huge amounts of anxiety and fear on the days leading up to the results, the big day, 16th June, what will they be able to tell me, please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me, I need as much luck as I can get, Falcor?? where are you!?

Mostly this week I have been left with two words in my head, fear and panic, I thought I understood those words, but I never thought I would know fear like this, or panic, real fear is not knowing what the future holds for you, will I see my Lottie grow up( damn right I will, I m not going anywhere) but that is kind of out of my hands, I can fight but only Lenny gets to decide, he is a like a mean Simon Cowell, he has his opinion and holds his cards until the end! Its mostly at night when "the fear" creeps in,  fear is silent and sneaky,  slithering around waiting to jump into your mind just when its time to rest and relax, spinning ideas into your mind that you should/wouldn't and never thought you would have to think about. He has a best friend, panic, once fear has wrapped and tangled your thoughts panic joins him and starts that sick feeling in your stomach, your eyes to well up and a lump appear in your throat, and before you know it your heart is breaking and mind is warped. I m learning to bring myself back from the panic and fear world, or even better, not to let them both take over in the first place. Why should they win, I don't need another fight on my hands against this deadly pair, I m already fighting Lenny the almost invincible tumour, so fear and panic can naff off!

There are a things that I have realised since starting this and the most important one is just how lucky I am to have such an amazing family.

One special person who goes without credit is my sister

I'm not sure I would have coped at all, a huge tower of strength and continuing support even on the bad days, and they are more frequent recently. and I when f and p take over I m very moody, I know I m doing that, I know I ve changed as a person but I cant help it

I shall make it up to her tonight, at the party, off to Becs 40th, and looking forward to a night out, Lottie has a fab new dress to wear, she is going to look super special as always.

I ve had a lovely day so far today , F and P haven't mad an appearance! but two others did, I

Met the Lovely Mortimer and Miss T( mrs T now!) recently married and looking fab together, really cheered me up to see some special old faces( old as in old friends not old faces! )

the boys bike ride next Sunday the 12th June , Richmond park, hope to be able to go and support my husband and great friends and family whilst the cycle to raise money for the UCLH :)

BH

bank holiday, and didn't really think about that till late this afternoon

spent the day resting, there isn't much else I can manage

feeling sick, and horrid, and that would be putting it mildly

watched a few films in bed with my Lottie and Mr m this afternoon, Wall-e 

 Lottie really loved it but she asked lots of questions, which always makes me laugh.

a week more of maybe feeling this way and then maybe I ca have my taste buds back and not feel like this for a few days before we start all over again for round 7, cant actually believe I have to have 8 cycles, to think at the beginning they thought maybe 4, double the original idea, not sure how much strength I can have left for this fight, but I have to find it some where , to get back to where we were before all this came along to ruin our plans and lives. wat a miserable post, sorry, goes against everything I believe in, but hard to be happy when u feel like this, the days are long when you feel sick all day. hangovers will be easy after this! only last a day, this one lasts days on end with no fun before hand! have been able to drink tea, earl grey this time is my fav, but cant manage orange juice and water tastes of poison again, and that's mean.  nearly time for bed again, highlight of the day

the hangover part 6

feeling terrible, worst hangover yet, feel sick, and just rubbish in total.

hate this feeing, its the worst ever

cant think of anything to say today, other than briliant news for cous today, the big move is finally here, cant wait to see the new pad

and a nice trip to the bank today :-)

off for a nap now

its that time of the day again

today thurday the 26th May

and so the cycle begins again, dry mouth, funny tasting food, tingly arms and fingers, cold and hot, headache and totally shattered.like being run over by a few buses this time and maybe a motor home and hit by a few tourists and holiday makers with baseball bats !

didn't see the prof today, some other doc, a consultant, but a good one, nice chap. in the chemo lounge early and home by 3.30 this afternoon, lovely!

thanks to my super star mum for coming with me, I wasn't very entertaining today, closed my eyes for most of it, and made me fetch me some quavers and fizz! well if u cant be demanding when you have cancer when can you be! plus she likes to! even helped out half the chemo lounge by fetching drinks and food! what a sweetie, I m very lucky she is mine, not all mine, I do have to share her, but she is the best.

home to see a very happy smiling gorgeous face, my baby girl, big hug always helps make me smile

so today's news... super neutros, thanks to Mr injection, another injection Sunday to boost me again. and chemo booked in for the 16th June, looks like my birthday will be pants.

oh well, next years will be better.

PET scan being booked for few days before, waiting for the date to come through the post. so the 16 will be news day again, nerves and tension to follow , but one thing at a time,time to get better from this cycle first.

so I m having 8 chemos, i don't do things in a small way, go for the maximum i say, all the way to the end. not sure what is to follow,

 like mum and dads saying, it is what it is,

 what will be will be, I m going to take one day at a time, if I think too far ahead I only break my heart with worry, worrying about not being here or not having the strength for all this. I m not sure I have enough left, running quite low on strength, then my fighting side jumps up and shouts at me, to stop being a baby, fight harder, stay awake, enjoy every minute, have fun, that's what life is for. and I intend to, you wont win , I wont be beaten

round 6 nearly there or 3/4 way through

Round 6 tomorrow, cant quite believe I've had 5 nearly six cycles of this chemo. its taking its tole one me, I have to admit defeat there, I will never say I m tired again, well not say it and really mean it, because you don't know tired like this, its not nice, fun or remotely what I want to feel like at 31. feel more like 101

Lottie has been a star all week, love her too much to say. she keeps me going, without her I think I may have given up by now.

Nice letter with details of centre parcs holiday has made our week, nice family holiday for me Keith and Lottie in august, cant wait for it, maybe I ll be clear then, cancer free as such, no More chemo for sure as can only have 8 , it may still be going on, radiotherapy, stem cell treatment, but I m not going to think about those unless I really have to.

I like to think I will be free, free to have fun and enjoy ourselves, already thinking about what to take! and praying for a glorious 4 days of sunshine.

I have to have a little rant, about people moaning about trivial things, just stop and be grateful, think about what u have not what u need, 

what you want ,  

what you don't have,  

etc etc, moan moan moan,

I may have to stop going on face book as it mostly rages me at the moment.

If you read this do a favour for me and take a minute to think about all the things that are good for you

 being ill over shadows them all as you need one thing first, your health, even though I dont have the most important thing I can see that I have so many good things,

the nothing can take them away but not ruin them for me, only loan them for a short time,

I will have them back thanks!

I only have one wish to be healthy, something everyone takes for granted . I used to moan don't get me wrong but its frustrating seeing it for me, one thing cancer has taught me, be grateful for everything you have , I always had the glass is half full attitude and wish everyone did. ........ there rant over, feel bit better for that!

now more ppositive thing or else I ll be one of the misery's and that would be worse than having cancer!

off to pick grandad up, off for our pre chemo tradition of dinner with mum dad and mand, off to mands and maybe the pub if the weather holds out, its like my last supper before I have no appetite and things taste all wrong, I wont miss that when this is all over, " the nothing " will be soon long gone, and he can take all the nasty side effects with him. :-)

seaside

had a lovely weekend, went to the seaside withe the girls, thank you mum and Mandy, you are the best , love you so much

one night away, something to look forward to, something to enjoy, watching Lottie have so much fun always cheers me up

totally shattered now but it was worth it, and being away if only for one night, always makes your own bed seem perfect


we did all the seaside favourites
sandcastles, windbreaker, fish and chips, well mushy peas for Lottie, they are her favourite and of course ice creams and the amusements!
we went out for our dinner to a lovely pub, Lottie was an angel, she is getting very grown up and a pleasure to take out!

 
 
 lovely pub for a nice warm evening and good food by the water

Lottie enjoying her ice cream!

beautiful hemsby beach

collecting stones for the sandcastle

My beautiful girl

 Mmm mushy peas!

excited !

collecting stones with nannie x

Back to reality, chemo Thursday so two days and I ll be really poorly again, least I made the most of feeling not as bad, although I m totally shattered it was worth it :-) you wont beat me "nothing" your days are numbered, should hear on Thursday when my scan is, to see how we are doing, and when we can celebrate Lenny/the nothings downfall :-)

victory

Feeeling much better, a few small victorys recently have cheered me up, "the nothing " cant beat me, I m the amazing healing woman.
Even managed  a couplke of shandys last night witht he lovely Miss phillips, paying the price for it today, very tired but trying to ignore it and have some fun, off for lunch today with mum and nan and Lottie and then the seaside on sunday, cant wait, fingers crossed for ssome sunshine please! :-)