Team Lyddon Merryweather

The Nothing

maybe I should rename Lenny, I need to sort out the paperwork and change his name, can I change his name? I never took him to be officially registered, I wonder what paperwork I need ?

I want to change his name to "the Nothing"

he reminds me of my favourite childhood film, The Never Ending Story

like in Never ending Story he is taking everything,The nothing takes trees, lakes, rocks, everything, destroying things slowly, leaving nothing behind

In my life, " the Nothing" is taking everything too, my happiness to start with, my hair, my work, my social life, my energy, he is draining me of positive thoughts, its creeping in slowly, I try everyday to ignore him but The nothing continues,I cant stop the nothing from breaking my heart everyday. there are moments where I forget I m ill, and then I walk past the mirror and I'm reminded, first by the bald head, its not a hair cut I would ever choose! there is no escape, how long will this last, 101 days to date since we found out. It feels like the nothing is filling my mind, filling it with space and air, no room for happy or sad thoughts, just empty ones, totally void of anything.

There is one thing he cant take, my Lottie, she doesn't know you are there and wont acknowledge you exist, she doesn't understand cancer, I hope she never remembers this time, and If i cant tell her about it, then I hope she knows she is the one beaming bright, helping me fight, giving me the biggest reason not to fall apart. because I feel like "the Nothing" will make make me crazy, or maybe I'm already mad.comparing cancer to childhood films.

Where is my luck dragon when I need him ..........Falcor! !!

wish Falcor would come and rescue me

101

101 days and still counting, feeling totally fed up today, there, I said it, do I feel better for saying it .... not really.
i should stop moaning, i do hate moaning but cant seem to think of anything good to say today. Its 2.21 in the afternoon and I m awake, maybe that's a positive thing, but my eyes are heavy and my bed is calling, what a life I have, living like a pensioner! great
really need to do some jobs, tidy up bedroom, my clothes etc,
r M has cleared away after dinner and hoovered so that will have to do, I don't have the energy for anything else. there was a time when the house not being perfect would have really upset me, it still does but I just know now that there are more important things to do, like recover! I wasn't giving myself any resting time before, and I know now that I need to, its hard to accept that I cant do everything that I used to do. It isn't forever and I have to remember that
I m going to try and get out tomorrow to playgroup, not sure if I can be brave enough to go, havent seen everyone and its lots of people to see in one go, I m not feeling confident, not about going anywhere at the moment, its not group, they are all lovely and miss going and so does lottie, we always used to go on a monday. I should be brave for Lotties sake and take her so she can have fun, my neutros are going to be at their best, wit the super injection, I have an immune system that acutally works at the moment , its the best time to go. anyway, time to stop worrying about simple things I used to do, time to sleep. again.

98

98 days, and yes I am counting!
maybe I can have a party on the 100th day! wonder how many days till I finish chemo, till they tell me he has gone, till they say I m in remission, must remember to take it one step at a time, lets start with how many days till end of chemo, would be nice to have that hangining over my head, its like a reminder that I m ill, there are lots of things to remind me but the chemo taking away my chances to plan things etc is one of the most annoying things, its in control everything revolves around when chemo is.

sleep is still on the menu, met auntie mandy today at lunch time straight from work, which meant another exciting train trip for my girl , we then had lunch in the pub, and back to mandys for a film, didnt manage to stay awake, had to sneak upstairs and have a nap, comfy bed sis, thanks ! glad you enjoyed watching bambi with my baby girl!

dinner at mum and dads, which was lovely and now home for more sleep, I feel shattered and think bed and bath on the menu already. Lottie is in bed, and its only 8.20, this must be what a pensioner feels like, a little taste of old age! its not much fun when you are only 31!

friday tomorrow, morning of fun with Dad and lottie planned, then no doubt..... sleep! life on the edge, rock and roll! I used to think i felt tired, but this is real tiredness, when your eyes burn, and blinking becomes hard work, I will never moan about being tired again once I m fighting fit again.
cant wait to be able to make the most of every day and not worry about being shattered half way throught he day.

old skool dayz

wishing my life away and wanting what I had before seems to be mostly on my mind this week, life was great before Lenny arrived, and I/we were happy with it all, it may not have seemed much to everyone else, but it was perfect for me, my handsome husband, and beautiful daughter, nice job, home, amazing friends and most importantly the very best family. its no rock and roll lifestyle but I was happy, and its all I want back please Lenny, that and some hair ! and a social life again, ( maybe this time with a few less brandys, I thought I would miss brandy but couldnt face one if you paid me right now!)

I had in my mind all these huge changes I wanted to make but I don't think I want anything different to what we had before,

I m starting to feel less sick, what a relief, my CNS says there is something else I can take to help with that sick feeling next cycle, so hopefully that should help make it more bearable.

Cant believe its only been 97 days since that horrible phone call from the doctor at Lister telling me I had cancer and needed to start chemo right away and to make my way to the hospital in London, seems like forever ago now. all the things you take for granted, all the things you worry about that just are not important.
cant wait to be worrying about what to wear as the single most important thing I do in the morning rather than the pills,the injections, how long till chemo and all the other horrible side effects that come with kicking Lenny's arse!

time to start getting back to being me, bossing and organising things, charity day to sort out, for the race for life party and coach to organise for the boys bike ride, already got quotes just need to sort out numbers for the 12th June. picnic to support our cyclists!

Plea?
we are looking for any offers for the 24th July Charity party, raffle prizes, we are looking for local businesses to offer vouchers, free meals etc, tombola prizes, stalls we can set up to make some money, cake stalls, lots of stuff for the kids would be really great, all ideas welcome, any fun things we can do on the day then please let me know at teamlyddonmerryweather@hotmail.co.uk If you know anyone/company that can help please ask, I want to do something positive, someting good...........something I can be proud of

tuesday

since Thursdays chemo, its been a roller coaster of emotions, I m more tired and more sick than ever before, this has to be the worst cycle ever, unlucky number 5 maybe
Thursday was a long day but not as long as it usually is, and we have an earlier appointment next round on the 26th May, ready for round 6.

I had forgotten how hard it was, although its only 3 weeks in between each cycle I do forget, silly I know, hit me like a ton of bricks this time, as I had the super injection and had no neutropenic episodes and no ulcers! i felt more normal, not sure what that feels like actually, but normal for me since Lenny rocked up uninvited

Although the injection is horrible, it prevents the ulcers and i really hate those so i prefer the injection and its side effects. the biggest side effect is the aching, sore bones etc, its like i ve been in a car accident or maybe a nasty roller coaster that was a little bit too rough. even laying down hurts.

I m finding everything harder and harder, going out, seeing people, I should feel more confident but its going the other way. people stare and me and I hate it, I want to shout sometimes, I did have to say something the other day and whisper I ve got cancer to the man who must have taken 5 or 6 second glances, he went scarlet looked away and hope he went home and felt terrible, because that's how he made me feel. I don't enjoy being mean but couldn't help myself. Others want to be my new best friend, strangers on the bus, chatting away, asking questions or people seeming to be extra nice int he supermarket. not sure what I want people to do, suppose I want it to be like it was before when no one noticed you.

Still having serious hair envy, want my hair back, if only a little bit, having to worry about what to put on my head is a pain, hat, scarf, etc its hard work, least with hair, everything goes with your outfit!

Days are a bit hard to fill, it reminds me of that film called "about a boy", when Hugh Grant says about fillings his day with units , each unit = half an hour,
cup of tea = 1 unit ( followed by pills)
put some washing on = 1 unit
trip to town =two units, maybe 3
lunch = two units,( followedd by more pills)
but then my afternoon is several units of sleep,
and its back round to dinner another unit, and then bath for the princess another unit etc etc!
there isn't anything to look forward to at the moment, except holiday and that's ages away! I want to be back on that beach, with the sun and Lottie digging and not worrying about filling time till the next set of pills or chemo etc etc

I ve had some lovely offers from friends to see them and thank them all, I will try and see a few more people, I am forcing myself to as I can see that I could just sit here at home and rot away soon, i try to take Lottie out, if only for a coffee or something, she loves a babycino! took her to feed the ducks today, she loved that, a really good girl, and a bus ride home, she is the only thing that can make me really smile at the moment. bought her a new dress for being good, she picked it, she is growing up fast. Time to sort out something for her tea, I ve had 4 units of sleep this afternoon and now a unit of blogging!

mambo number 5

chemo number 5 done, or as Jo said, is it a bi like mambo number 5!
"a little less of Lenny in my life, a little bit of Tracey feeling fine"
that made me laugh out loud! thanks jo! x

I ve been more positive this week, until today, had forgotten how crap chemo makes you feel, woken up feeling sick and no appetite again, hate this part, had some cherry coke so far today, cant face tea or coffee or milk or water, dare not eat but need to take my steroids and other pills this morning

but I wont be beaten by Lenny, saw the scan yesterday he is a bout he size of a clenched fist, so getting much smaller than the 18x16x10cm that he was a the beginning, having more chemo on 26th May then another scan, they don't expect to see nothing left of Lenny on the scan as I will be left with scar tissue, so there is a great chance this could be over in the near future, still a long journey to go, as prob need 3 more chemos and then maybe radiotherapy but I m over half way.

The last injection worked , so I have the same one again for this cycle, one booster injection, big bad one to kick those neuros into action, felt crappy after it last time but least I had no ulcers, so that's not a bad trade off. i ll inject it on Sunday and it should last till the next cycle of chemo, fingers crossed

need to go back to the seaside, felt happy and peaceful on that beach, wish could teleport there for the morning with Lottie, insead its pjs and kids tv and films and cuddles in bed, thats not too bad either though, she can always cheer me up, I love my little button Lottie :-)

elo

Only me, well feeling better than ever!

had a brilliant time with my baby girl, she makes me so happy words cant describe, if i didn't have her through all this misery I m not sure I would have coped, she smiles and I smile, I love her laugh and at the beach she laughed so much !

on saturday the dogs we have to take EVERYWHERE were all packed and someone woke up very excited! she wanted her hat like mummy which made me cry! but i didn't let her see but isnt that she so cute !

We had great weather apart from he wind! but we wont be frightened by the wind, cardys on and off we went to explore the sand, Lottie just loves digging in the sand!
the beach was seriously stunning, Sue had said it was amazing and she was right! , thanks for cheering me up the other day Sue, you are an amazing friend to mum and me too, started blogging again just for you x

feeling more positive now, a break is just what was needed, away from all the same views etc the beach is so nice, could have sat there all day!

Look at the sand, looks quite amazing for the uk doesn't it!

dont be fooled by the pics though, wind was blowing a gale but we were happy with it not raining, we arent a lucky family so for it not to rain all weekend wa a bonus!

wish I was back on the beach but instead its chemo week, had forgotten! Thursday is chemo number 5, kind of dreading feeling even more tired and beaten up and no appetite so maybe some more panic eating over the next few days! made a lovely dinner today for Keith and me as we were apart over the weekend, Lottie can have nice early bath and bed or stay up if she wants to,and eat with us maybe.

house is so untidy from the weekend but I don't care about that anymore, its not important, having fun and being with Lottie is more important today. we can tidy up later.