maybe I should rename Lenny, I need to sort out the paperwork and change his name, can I change his name? I never took him to be officially registered, I wonder what paperwork I need ?
I want to change his name to "the Nothing"
he reminds me of my favourite childhood film, The Never Ending Story
like in Never ending Story he is taking everything,The nothing takes trees, lakes, rocks, everything, destroying things slowly, leaving nothing behind
In my life, " the Nothing" is taking everything too, my happiness to start with, my hair, my work, my social life, my energy, he is draining me of positive thoughts, its creeping in slowly, I try everyday to ignore him but The nothing continues,I cant stop the nothing from breaking my heart everyday. there are moments where I forget I m ill, and then I walk past the mirror and I'm reminded, first by the bald head, its not a hair cut I would ever choose! there is no escape, how long will this last, 101 days to date since we found out. It feels like the nothing is filling my mind, filling it with space and air, no room for happy or sad thoughts, just empty ones, totally void of anything.
There is one thing he cant take, my Lottie, she doesn't know you are there and wont acknowledge you exist, she doesn't understand cancer, I hope she never remembers this time, and If i cant tell her about it, then I hope she knows she is the one beaming bright, helping me fight, giving me the biggest reason not to fall apart. because I feel like "the Nothing" will make make me crazy, or maybe I'm already mad.comparing cancer to childhood films.
Where is my luck dragon when I need him ..........Falcor! !!
wish Falcor would come and rescue me
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