tuesday

since Thursdays chemo, its been a roller coaster of emotions, I m more tired and more sick than ever before, this has to be the worst cycle ever, unlucky number 5 maybe
Thursday was a long day but not as long as it usually is, and we have an earlier appointment next round on the 26th May, ready for round 6.

I had forgotten how hard it was, although its only 3 weeks in between each cycle I do forget, silly I know, hit me like a ton of bricks this time, as I had the super injection and had no neutropenic episodes and no ulcers! i felt more normal, not sure what that feels like actually, but normal for me since Lenny rocked up uninvited

Although the injection is horrible, it prevents the ulcers and i really hate those so i prefer the injection and its side effects. the biggest side effect is the aching, sore bones etc, its like i ve been in a car accident or maybe a nasty roller coaster that was a little bit too rough. even laying down hurts.

I m finding everything harder and harder, going out, seeing people, I should feel more confident but its going the other way. people stare and me and I hate it, I want to shout sometimes, I did have to say something the other day and whisper I ve got cancer to the man who must have taken 5 or 6 second glances, he went scarlet looked away and hope he went home and felt terrible, because that's how he made me feel. I don't enjoy being mean but couldn't help myself. Others want to be my new best friend, strangers on the bus, chatting away, asking questions or people seeming to be extra nice int he supermarket. not sure what I want people to do, suppose I want it to be like it was before when no one noticed you.

Still having serious hair envy, want my hair back, if only a little bit, having to worry about what to put on my head is a pain, hat, scarf, etc its hard work, least with hair, everything goes with your outfit!

Days are a bit hard to fill, it reminds me of that film  called "about a boy", when Hugh Grant says about fillings his day with units , each unit = half an hour,
cup of tea = 1 unit ( followed by pills)
put some washing on = 1 unit
trip to town =two units, maybe 3
lunch = two units,( followedd by more pills)
but then my afternoon is several units of sleep,
and its back round to dinner another unit, and then bath for the princess another unit etc etc!
there isn't anything to look forward to at the moment, except holiday and that's ages away! I want to be back on that beach, with the sun and Lottie digging and not worrying about filling time till the next set of pills or chemo etc etc

I ve had some lovely offers from friends to see them and thank them all, I will try and see a few more people, I am forcing myself to as I can see that I could just sit here at home and rot away soon, i try to take Lottie out, if only for a coffee or something, she loves a babycino! took her to feed the ducks today, she loved that, a really good girl, and a bus ride home, she is the only thing that can make me really smile at the moment. bought her a new dress for being good, she picked it, she is growing up fast. Time to sort out something for her tea, I ve had 4 units of sleep this afternoon and now a unit of blogging!