BH

bank holiday, and didn't really think about that till late this afternoon

spent the day resting, there isn't much else I can manage

feeling sick, and horrid, and that would be putting it mildly

watched a few films in bed with my Lottie and Mr m this afternoon, Wall-e 

 Lottie really loved it but she asked lots of questions, which always makes me laugh.

a week more of maybe feeling this way and then maybe I ca have my taste buds back and not feel like this for a few days before we start all over again for round 7, cant actually believe I have to have 8 cycles, to think at the beginning they thought maybe 4, double the original idea, not sure how much strength I can have left for this fight, but I have to find it some where , to get back to where we were before all this came along to ruin our plans and lives. wat a miserable post, sorry, goes against everything I believe in, but hard to be happy when u feel like this, the days are long when you feel sick all day. hangovers will be easy after this! only last a day, this one lasts days on end with no fun before hand! have been able to drink tea, earl grey this time is my fav, but cant manage orange juice and water tastes of poison again, and that's mean.  nearly time for bed again, highlight of the day

the hangover part 6

feeling terrible, worst hangover yet, feel sick, and just rubbish in total.

hate this feeing, its the worst ever

cant think of anything to say today, other than briliant news for cous today, the big move is finally here, cant wait to see the new pad

and a nice trip to the bank today :-)

off for a nap now

its that time of the day again

today thurday the 26th May

and so the cycle begins again, dry mouth, funny tasting food, tingly arms and fingers, cold and hot, headache and totally shattered.like being run over by a few buses this time and maybe a motor home and hit by a few tourists and holiday makers with baseball bats !

didn't see the prof today, some other doc, a consultant, but a good one, nice chap. in the chemo lounge early and home by 3.30 this afternoon, lovely!

thanks to my super star mum for coming with me, I wasn't very entertaining today, closed my eyes for most of it, and made me fetch me some quavers and fizz! well if u cant be demanding when you have cancer when can you be! plus she likes to! even helped out half the chemo lounge by fetching drinks and food! what a sweetie, I m very lucky she is mine, not all mine, I do have to share her, but she is the best.

home to see a very happy smiling gorgeous face, my baby girl, big hug always helps make me smile

so today's news... super neutros, thanks to Mr injection, another injection Sunday to boost me again. and chemo booked in for the 16th June, looks like my birthday will be pants.

oh well, next years will be better.

PET scan being booked for few days before, waiting for the date to come through the post. so the 16 will be news day again, nerves and tension to follow , but one thing at a time,time to get better from this cycle first.

so I m having 8 chemos, i don't do things in a small way, go for the maximum i say, all the way to the end. not sure what is to follow,

 like mum and dads saying, it is what it is,

 what will be will be, I m going to take one day at a time, if I think too far ahead I only break my heart with worry, worrying about not being here or not having the strength for all this. I m not sure I have enough left, running quite low on strength, then my fighting side jumps up and shouts at me, to stop being a baby, fight harder, stay awake, enjoy every minute, have fun, that's what life is for. and I intend to, you wont win , I wont be beaten

round 6 nearly there or 3/4 way through

Round 6 tomorrow, cant quite believe I've had 5 nearly six cycles of this chemo. its taking its tole one me, I have to admit defeat there, I will never say I m tired again, well not say it and really mean it, because you don't know tired like this, its not nice, fun or remotely what I want to feel like at 31. feel more like 101

Lottie has been a star all week, love her too much to say. she keeps me going, without her I think I may have given up by now.

Nice letter with details of centre parcs holiday has made our week, nice family holiday for me Keith and Lottie in august, cant wait for it, maybe I ll be clear then, cancer free as such, no More chemo for sure as can only have 8 , it may still be going on, radiotherapy, stem cell treatment, but I m not going to think about those unless I really have to.

I like to think I will be free, free to have fun and enjoy ourselves, already thinking about what to take! and praying for a glorious 4 days of sunshine.

I have to have a little rant, about people moaning about trivial things, just stop and be grateful, think about what u have not what u need, 

what you want ,  

what you don't have,  

etc etc, moan moan moan,

I may have to stop going on face book as it mostly rages me at the moment.

If you read this do a favour for me and take a minute to think about all the things that are good for you

 being ill over shadows them all as you need one thing first, your health, even though I dont have the most important thing I can see that I have so many good things,

the nothing can take them away but not ruin them for me, only loan them for a short time,

I will have them back thanks!

I only have one wish to be healthy, something everyone takes for granted . I used to moan don't get me wrong but its frustrating seeing it for me, one thing cancer has taught me, be grateful for everything you have , I always had the glass is half full attitude and wish everyone did. ........ there rant over, feel bit better for that!

now more ppositive thing or else I ll be one of the misery's and that would be worse than having cancer!

off to pick grandad up, off for our pre chemo tradition of dinner with mum dad and mand, off to mands and maybe the pub if the weather holds out, its like my last supper before I have no appetite and things taste all wrong, I wont miss that when this is all over, " the nothing " will be soon long gone, and he can take all the nasty side effects with him. :-)

seaside

had a lovely weekend, went to the seaside withe the girls, thank you mum and Mandy, you are the best , love you so much

one night away, something to look forward to, something to enjoy, watching Lottie have so much fun always cheers me up

totally shattered now but it was worth it, and being away if only for one night, always makes your own bed seem perfect


we did all the seaside favourites
sandcastles, windbreaker, fish and chips, well mushy peas for Lottie, they are her favourite and of course ice creams and the amusements!
we went out for our dinner to a lovely pub, Lottie was an angel, she is getting very grown up and a pleasure to take out!

 
 
 lovely pub for a nice warm evening and good food by the water

Lottie enjoying her ice cream!

beautiful hemsby beach

collecting stones for the sandcastle

My beautiful girl

 Mmm mushy peas!

excited !

collecting stones with nannie x

Back to reality, chemo Thursday so two days and I ll be really poorly again, least I made the most of feeling not as bad, although I m totally shattered it was worth it :-) you wont beat me "nothing" your days are numbered, should hear on Thursday when my scan is, to see how we are doing, and when we can celebrate Lenny/the nothings downfall :-)

victory

Feeeling much better, a few small victorys recently have cheered me up, "the nothing " cant beat me, I m the amazing healing woman.
Even managed  a couplke of shandys last night witht he lovely Miss phillips, paying the price for it today, very tired but trying to ignore it and have some fun, off for lunch today with mum and nan and Lottie and then the seaside on sunday, cant wait, fingers crossed for ssome sunshine please! :-)

The Nothing

maybe I should rename Lenny, I need to sort out the paperwork and change his name, can I change his name? I never took him to be officially registered, I wonder what paperwork I need ?

I want to change his name to "the Nothing"

he reminds me of my favourite childhood film, The Never Ending Story

like in Never ending Story he is taking everything,The nothing takes trees, lakes, rocks, everything, destroying things slowly, leaving nothing behind

In my life, " the Nothing" is taking everything too, my happiness to start with, my hair, my work, my social life, my energy, he is draining me of positive thoughts, its creeping in slowly, I try everyday to ignore him but The nothing continues,I cant stop the nothing from breaking my heart everyday. there are moments where I forget I m ill, and then I walk past the mirror and I'm reminded, first by the bald head, its not a hair cut I would ever choose! there is no escape, how long will this last, 101 days to date since we found out.  It feels like the nothing is filling my mind, filling it with space and air, no room for happy or sad thoughts, just empty ones, totally void of anything.

 There is one thing he cant take, my Lottie, she doesn't know you are there and wont acknowledge you exist, she doesn't understand cancer, I hope she never remembers this time, and If i cant tell her about it, then I hope she knows she is the one beaming bright, helping me fight, giving me the biggest reason not to fall apart. because I feel like "the Nothing" will make make me crazy, or maybe I'm already mad.comparing cancer to childhood films.

Where is my luck dragon when I need him ..........Falcor! !!

wish Falcor would come and rescue me

101

101 days and still counting, feeling totally fed up today, there, I said it, do I feel better for saying it .... not really.
i should stop moaning, i do hate moaning but cant seem to think of anything good to say today. Its 2.21 in the afternoon and I m awake, maybe that's a positive thing, but my eyes are heavy and my bed is calling, what a life I have, living like a pensioner! great
really need to do some jobs, tidy up bedroom, my clothes etc,
r M has cleared away after dinner and hoovered so that will have to do, I don't have the energy for anything else. there was a time when the house not being perfect would have really upset me, it still does but I just know now that there are more important things to do, like recover! I wasn't giving myself any resting time before, and I know now that I need to, its hard to accept that I cant do everything that I used to do. It isn't forever and I have to remember that
I m going to try and get out tomorrow to playgroup, not sure if I can be brave enough to go, havent seen everyone and its lots of people to see in one go, I m not feeling confident, not about going anywhere at the moment, its not group, they are all lovely and miss going and so does lottie, we always used to go on a monday. I should be brave for Lotties sake and take her so she can have fun, my neutros are going to be at their best, wit the super injection, I have an immune system that acutally works at the moment , its the best time to go. anyway, time to stop worrying about simple things I used to do, time to sleep. again.

98

98 days, and yes I am counting!
maybe I can have a party on the 100th day! wonder how many days till I finish chemo, till they tell me he has gone, till they say I m in remission, must remember to take it one step at a time, lets start with how many days till end of chemo, would be nice to have that hangining over my head, its like a reminder that I m ill, there are lots of things to remind me but the chemo taking away my chances to plan things etc is one of the most annoying things, its in control everything revolves around when chemo is.

sleep is still on the menu, met auntie mandy today at lunch time straight from work, which meant another exciting train trip for my girl , we then had lunch in the pub, and back to mandys for a film, didnt manage to stay awake, had to sneak upstairs and have a nap, comfy bed sis, thanks ! glad you enjoyed watching bambi with my baby girl!

dinner at mum and dads, which was lovely and now home for more sleep, I feel shattered and think bed and bath on the menu already. Lottie is in bed, and its only 8.20, this must be what a pensioner feels like, a little taste of old age! its not much fun when you are only 31!

friday tomorrow, morning of fun with Dad and lottie planned, then no doubt..... sleep! life on the edge, rock and roll! I used to think i felt tired, but this is real tiredness, when your eyes burn, and blinking becomes hard work, I will never moan about being tired again once I m fighting fit again.
cant wait to be able to make the most of every day and not worry about being shattered half way throught he day.

old skool dayz

wishing my life away and wanting what I had before seems to be mostly on my mind this week, life was great before Lenny arrived, and I/we were happy with it all, it may not have seemed much to everyone else, but it was perfect for me, my handsome husband, and beautiful daughter, nice job, home, amazing friends and most importantly the very best family. its no rock and roll lifestyle but I was happy, and its all I want back please Lenny, that and some hair ! and a social life again, ( maybe this time with a few less brandys, I thought I would miss brandy but couldnt face one if you paid me right now!)

I had in my mind all these huge changes I wanted to make but I don't think I want anything different to what we had before,

I m starting to feel less sick, what a relief, my CNS says there is something else I can take to help with that sick feeling next cycle, so hopefully that should help make it more bearable.

Cant believe its only been 97 days since that horrible phone call from the doctor at Lister telling me I had cancer and needed to start chemo right away and to make my way to the hospital in London, seems like forever ago now. all the things you take for granted, all the things you worry about that just are not important.
cant wait to be worrying about what to wear as the single most important thing I do in the morning rather than the pills,the injections, how long till chemo and all the other horrible side effects that come with kicking Lenny's arse!

time to start getting back to being me, bossing and organising things, charity day to sort out, for the race for life party and coach to organise for the boys bike ride, already got quotes just need to sort out numbers for the 12th June. picnic to support our cyclists!

Plea?
we are looking for any offers for the 24th July  Charity party, raffle prizes, we are looking for local businesses to offer vouchers, free meals etc,  tombola prizes, stalls we can set up to make some money, cake stalls, lots of stuff for the kids would be really great, all ideas welcome,  any fun things we can do on the day then please let me know  at teamlyddonmerryweather@hotmail.co.uk  If you know anyone/company that can help please ask, I want to do something positive, someting good...........something I can be proud of

tuesday

since Thursdays chemo, its been a roller coaster of emotions, I m more tired and more sick than ever before, this has to be the worst cycle ever, unlucky number 5 maybe
Thursday was a long day but not as long as it usually is, and we have an earlier appointment next round on the 26th May, ready for round 6.

I had forgotten how hard it was, although its only 3 weeks in between each cycle I do forget, silly I know, hit me like a ton of bricks this time, as I had the super injection and had no neutropenic episodes and no ulcers! i felt more normal, not sure what that feels like actually, but normal for me since Lenny rocked up uninvited

Although the injection is horrible, it prevents the ulcers and i really hate those so i prefer the injection and its side effects. the biggest side effect is the aching, sore bones etc, its like i ve been in a car accident or maybe a nasty roller coaster that was a little bit too rough. even laying down hurts.

I m finding everything harder and harder, going out, seeing people, I should feel more confident but its going the other way. people stare and me and I hate it, I want to shout sometimes, I did have to say something the other day and whisper I ve got cancer to the man who must have taken 5 or 6 second glances, he went scarlet looked away and hope he went home and felt terrible, because that's how he made me feel. I don't enjoy being mean but couldn't help myself. Others want to be my new best friend, strangers on the bus, chatting away, asking questions or people seeming to be extra nice int he supermarket. not sure what I want people to do, suppose I want it to be like it was before when no one noticed you.

Still having serious hair envy, want my hair back, if only a little bit, having to worry about what to put on my head is a pain, hat, scarf, etc its hard work, least with hair, everything goes with your outfit!

Days are a bit hard to fill, it reminds me of that film  called "about a boy", when Hugh Grant says about fillings his day with units , each unit = half an hour,
cup of tea = 1 unit ( followed by pills)
put some washing on = 1 unit
trip to town =two units, maybe 3
lunch = two units,( followedd by more pills)
but then my afternoon is several units of sleep,
and its back round to dinner another unit, and then bath for the princess another unit etc etc!
there isn't anything to look forward to at the moment, except holiday and that's ages away! I want to be back on that beach, with the sun and Lottie digging and not worrying about filling time till the next set of pills or chemo etc etc

I ve had some lovely offers from friends to see them and thank them all, I will try and see a few more people, I am forcing myself to as I can see that I could just sit here at home and rot away soon, i try to take Lottie out, if only for a coffee or something, she loves a babycino! took her to feed the ducks today, she loved that, a really good girl, and a bus ride home, she is the only thing that can make me really smile at the moment. bought her a new dress for being good, she picked it, she is growing up fast. Time to sort out something for her tea, I ve had 4 units of sleep this afternoon and now a unit of blogging!

mambo number 5

chemo number 5 done, or as Jo said, is it a bi like mambo number 5!
"a little less of Lenny in my life, a little bit of Tracey feeling fine"
 that made me laugh out loud! thanks jo! x

I ve been more positive this week, until today,  had forgotten how crap chemo makes you feel, woken up feeling sick and no appetite again, hate this part, had some cherry coke so far today, cant face tea or coffee or milk or water, dare not eat but need to take my steroids and other pills this morning

but I wont be beaten by Lenny, saw the scan yesterday he is a bout he size of a clenched fist, so getting much smaller than the 18x16x10cm that he was a the beginning, having more chemo on 26th May then another scan, they don't expect to see nothing left of Lenny on the scan as I will be left with scar tissue, so there is a great chance this could be over in the near future, still a long journey to go, as prob need 3 more chemos and then maybe radiotherapy but I m over half way.

The last injection worked , so I have the same one again for this cycle, one booster injection, big bad one to kick those neuros into action, felt crappy after it last time but least I had no ulcers, so that's not a bad trade off. i ll inject it on Sunday and it should last till the next cycle of chemo, fingers crossed

need to go back to the seaside, felt happy and peaceful on that beach, wish could teleport there for the morning with Lottie, insead its pjs and kids tv and films and cuddles in bed, thats not too bad either though, she can always cheer me up, I love my little button Lottie :-)

elo

Only me, well feeling better than ever!

had a brilliant time with my baby girl, she makes me so happy words cant describe, if i didn't have her through all this misery I m not sure I would have coped, she smiles and I smile, I love her laugh and at the beach she laughed so much !

on saturday the dogs we have to take EVERYWHERE were all packed and someone woke up very excited! she wanted her hat like mummy which made me cry! but i didn't let her see but isnt  that she  so cute !

 

We had great weather apart from he wind! but we wont be frightened by the wind, cardys on and off we went to explore the sand, Lottie just loves digging in the sand!
the beach was seriously stunning, Sue had said it was amazing and she was right! , thanks for cheering me up the other day Sue, you are an amazing friend to mum and me too, started blogging again just for you x

feeling more positive now, a break is just what was needed, away from all the same views etc the beach is so nice, could have sat there all day!

Look at the sand, looks quite amazing for the uk doesn't it!

dont be fooled by the pics though, wind was blowing a gale but we were happy with it not raining, we arent a lucky family so for it not to rain all weekend wa a bonus!

wish I was back on the beach but instead its chemo week, had forgotten! Thursday is chemo number 5, kind of dreading feeling even more tired and beaten up and no appetite so maybe some more panic eating over the next few days! made a lovely dinner today for Keith and me as we were apart over the weekend, Lottie can have nice early bath and bed or stay up if she wants to,and eat with us maybe.

house is so untidy from the weekend but I don't care about that anymore, its not important, having fun and being with Lottie is more important today. we can tidy up later.

my fav picture of the weekend and I keep looking at her little happy face!

thanks to my super sis for organising the weekend away, just what the doctor ordered.

I m ready to kick Lennys butt again Thursday!