Happy :0)

Life is good, things are getting back to normal and I can go out without a hat or a scarf
the hair isn't what I would like but its hair, better than being bald and I'm getting used to it!
Everyone has been very kind, I'm sure they don't mean it when they say it suits me etc, but Its nice that he try and and give me a little boost
I haven't posted for a while, haven't had the time or know what o write, its nice to be able to only think of good things to say
I'm back to work, all be it slow and phased but its getting there and Christmas is around the corner
:0)
I have my brilliant family and most importantly my beautiful baby( well not really baby anymore) girl Lottie
Life is GOOD! at last



new day, new attitude and outlook required...

I am feeling better today,no more miserable thoughts, stop moaning I said and I had a word with myself,I  didn't feel like i was being me with all the worry and moaning, its just not my style.
although I have things to worry about I refuse to let them take over my life, cancer has taken enough time away from me and I must remember I am the boss!

I have had a few pains in my chest,to be honest its very painful to say the least, so I plucked up the courage to call the CNS and tell her that it was painful and I had concerns, needless to say they were helpful and reassuring as always and have brought my appointment forward to tomorrow. I.m not sure what they will do/say, I will cross that bridge tomorrow.

as for today we have had lots to be happy for, Lottie has started back at nursery and is really enjoying it, Its great for her to be back doing what three year olds should do. I really miss her, she is so much fun and keeps me entertained, but it only makes me enjoy the times she is at home even more than before.so is so perfect, when I look at her I cant quite believe how lucky I am and how amazing it is that I am part of what made her and she is everything me and Keith ever dreamed for.

For being such a good girl me and Mandy took Lottie out for dinner, Its been a hard day, first real steps to getting our old life back, with trying to get Lottie settled at nursery and going into work for the first time in a while. I was really nervous about seeing people but it was nice but I felt odd, like a new starter etc, but I miss it, and the people. when I m ready I will return and be moaning about it before you know it :-)

just as we take our first few steps forward Keith is poorly, off to hospital but home again , nothing serious but he isn't very well :0( my turn to look after him for a few days, least I might feel useful and needed, I cant remember the last time I felt like that.

time for bed soon, long day tomorrow at hospital, hope there isn't too much of a wait, I am really tired and would like a nap!

one step

haven't posted for a while, been more roller coaster days, extreme highs and lows.

we had a wonderful break to centre parcs, beautiful setting, great weather, lovely accommodation, and a visit from my special family, what else could you want? I sound spoilt but there was something nagging away at me, maybe I will be stuck with that feeling forever, niggling and poking and telling me I don't deserve to be happy, safe or well. being poorly didn't help.

I wasn't well enough to fully enjoy the break, being fatigued is an understatement, I feel worse now than right at the beginning when this all started, just a different feeling, tired and emotional and extremely stressed.

this feeling is worse at night, aren't things always worse at night, It keeps me awake, my body wants to sleep but all I can do it think, my brain kicks in and starts to write a list of all my worries and fears, I try to ignore it but it continues without my permission and I feel somewhat helpless to stop. I haven't slept well since before last Christmas. Maybe this is how I will always have to live, I hope not, I want to be normal, I have never wanted to be 'just  like everyone else' but I couldn't want that more at the moment ..... just to be like everyone else, worrying about trivial things, having hair! going to work, eating well, feeling normal, not feeling scared.

I want to walk down the street and people not to notice me, not to take that second glance, when they thing, why is she wearing a hat? whats with the scarf, they only draw attention to the fact that I had cancer, like a label, like a flashing sign for everyone to read. hurry up and grow hair, I m not patient and I have had enough now,.

reading back I m moaning again and for once, I don't care, I feel like moaning, I ve had a horrible weekend and feel like being selfish for a change. I am miserable and there isn't a thing that can change that.......... at the moment.

hardest point

so, its all over, job done, you won, we did it, the worst is over.................. if only that was true, I don't believe any of those are true, I'm left now feeling more worried than ever, more vulnerable and scared, what happens now? wait for Lenny to be the come back king, have to fight again? no fight left, more exhausted than i have ever been!

feel a bit like I'm alone, waiting for bad news, but surely I am over the worst and I did win, it might be over, no one can tell the future. I don't like the not knowing, not be able to plan, we never planned for cancer to turn up and steal 8 months of my life this year. and who knows how much longer Lenny will steal from us.
 I thought this was going to be a great year, everything ahead of us, my perfect family. We did make the most of it, we had fun, we didn't let everyday get us down, we smiled through the misery and unknown and continuous anxiety
but I try to refuse to be a misery and there are lots of bonus points to be had, good times to enjoy, things that I can do now that I couldn't before! the saying that life is too short really has a meaning these days.

least i can taste things, no ulcer, I can eat what I want and can try to make the most of a bad situation and make the most of time I feel OK.. when I m not asleep, never been this tired, eyes burn head roles, cant concentrate I and feel as tired when I wake up as I do when I go to bed, that's not right is it!

but Lottie keeps me smiling the most, she is one whirlwind of fun, happy smiles, full ideas and great new little sayings everyday which make me laugh out loud. a real ray of sunshine, and the cutest part is she has no agenda, no idea, she does it naturally, and for that and so many other reasons she is perfect.

reading back what I've written, its a roller coaster of ups and downs, and just reading this post tells me that, I feel like I am real mixed bag of emotions, but isn't everyone?

who knows what the future holds, all I know is I want to make the most of whatever it might be, with the special people that i love so much. I hope these hard times pass quickly and that cancer is a word I don't think about every day, I m not sure that day will every come, I can hardly go an hour without thinking about it at the moment so I have a lot of work to do to get to a whole day!

race for life completed

so Sunday was the race for life day, all the girls came, dressed in pink, ready for a good walk in the sunshine to raise money to help everyone beat cancer, wouldn't be nice if they could cure everyone, maybe one day they will be able to.

it was glorious day, brilliant group to walk with, couldn't have celebrated 39 days in remission in a better way. we all walked together, it was hard to read the things people had written on the back of their shirts. some really lovely thing about me, wasn't expecting that. had a few tears and hid behind the shades( good job it was sunny) some racing had lots of reasons to race, RIP to all those that lost their fight, we raced Sunday for you, and in your memory. hope we made you all proud x

I felt so supported by the huge gang all together. and lots of supporters too. I had been worried about the day as I m so tired at the moment, I hoped I would manage the race, but with everyone there it didn't seem far at all and everyone chatting and being so wonderful I knew I would make it.
I'm paying the price for it now, aching all over but its worth it, as a group we raised an amazing amount, the group page stands at a total of £1345!, and others pages that walked with us take the total to a staggering £3714! couldn't be happier with that! its fantastic! what an amazing bunch, great racers and supporters,and sponsors! thank you to everyone who was part of the day, and huge thank for to those that travelled to support or race, Jo, Laura, Ed and Rich, all travelled to help make the day special
thank you to all the great walkers, !Mum, Mand,Sue, Emma, Linda, Emma, Mariah, Pat, Carla, Nat, Kelly, Tracey, Kelly, Nat, Mel Isabella, Emma and Ralph, Laura, what a group of wonderful people, thanks for supporting me, and Claire, great run Gregs, 10k, what a star, everyone in the group has been affected by cancer, one day maybe cancer wont be something everyone has to deal with , that's my wish for everyone.

Race for life

Next big challange ahead

............. race for life!

I/ we want to help others win their fight like I have and to remember the ones we have sadly lost already

our team has raised £780 so far, trying to increase it to reach £1000, please support us! you can sponsor us on the below website , every penny counts

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/teamlyddonmerryweather

or text MERR99 £1 to 70070  if everyone who read this blog text in we could have raised over £4763 pounds so far! so please if you are reading or have been following my journey, please help and sponsor just £1 to this great cause

thanks to all of you that have already sponsored you are all amazing!

I will post some pics of the race after the weekend
wish me luck... I think I will need it  :-)

update

I haven't been on here since I found out I was in remission, its been 28 days , and still counting

its not been the party high I thought it would be

much harder than expected, a roller coaster of up and downs, and if I'm honest, mostly downs.

I don't really think it sunk in for a while and with the final chemo looming it wasn't over, so i felt there was nothing to celebrate.and so many questions, would it return, the long road to recovery still ahead

then we went on holiday, which was brilliant, but I was tried and found it hard, I tried to put a brave face on, but i was totally shattered and slept so much when we came home.

wouldn't have missed it for the world. holiday with the people I love most. what more could you want.

Last chemo was Monday 11th July , 5 months to the day this journey started. since we found out the bad news. but we won, i know I said I would but no was more surprised than me to have actually won! this last chemo has been the hardest, knowing what to expect and it getting harder each time, feeling more sick than ever, and more tired but I'm holding on to the thought i don't have to do this again( unless Lenny comes back) if he does we can cross that bridge when we come to it. its not likely but if I can stay in remission for two years the chances of him never returning get even higher, not sure I can count for two years! that seems a very long time !

My Hair is growing back, although its grey and resembles the action man look ! when it grows a bit more I can colour it and in a few months perhaps even get a "style" rather than the grey fuzz look I'm currently sporting.

I have to say a huge thank you to my great family, always supporting me, lifting my spirits through the hardest times I hope I ever have to encounter. And what amazing friends too, really wouldn't have made it here without you all.

I'm looking forward to getting my life back, but I can hardly remember what it was like not to be ill. tired or to cry most days. I know I was happy, and I know I can get back to it once I have recovered.

Day 3! I get to start a new count

well it finally paid off, Falcor arrived swept in and saved me, saved my life!

I m in COMPLETE REMISSION! well up just typing the words!

went for my pre chemo bloods, normal routine, had been the week from hell for me and everyone else too, irritable and feeling lost and out of control. If I'm honest I wanted to smash something up! butt he denby crockery at home was too expensive! lol

Had my bloods as lister and then saw a missed call from my nurse, my heart lept into my mouth, why was she calling, bad news i was convinced, warning me of bad news, so I didn't make a show of myself in clinic on Thursday!

didn't want to call her back, too frightened! what would she say, but had to call!
she told me she had the results! she has seen the PET scan, and it was all gone, what does that mean i asked her hoping with all my heart it meant what I thought it did)
"it means the cancer has gone, its clear, nothing there, your in remission"

I broke down, couldn't speak, was it right, had I actually won

were they sure it was my scan, my results

I m clear, free, I did it, we did it, beat the unbeatable, survived the worst, all the horrendous months worth it, every thing is mine again, I can have my life back, I can be a mum, a wife, a sister, a daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, friend again.... most importantly I can be ME

so we did it, all together like I hoped we would, couldn't have done it without my family and friends
, they have been truly amazing, cant even begin to say how good, good isn't a good enough word!

fantastic, amazing, brilliant splendid, special, exceptional, superb...magificant

one more chemo, on 11th July, recovery and I m there, Lenny you lost, what a loser you are, we knew you were stupid and you didn't know who you were messing with, I wasn't going down without a huge fight! wish i felt well enough to celebrate, but real celebration will be when its the real end, we aren't there yet, more chemo to get over, and its fed harder each time, But I can do it once more, even if last night I wasn't sure, I feel stronger again today, and I wont be beaten or broken down.

Boys ride done, raised over a £1000 , well done, couldn't be prouder of them all, and everyone who endured the down pour to support them , what a brilliant bunch of amazing people! love you all x

 

so I m counting AGAIN, counting remission days, let the party commence!

 ( just as soon as I feel better)

cant believe it! Remission! the best word in the world

chairty !

big bike ride day

help us smash the target ....

at 955.00 total at the moment, we would like to get to 1000!

please sponsor what you can on the link below .....

http://www.justgiving.com/Tracey-Merryweather

scaniexty

Friday the 10th June is scan day, having scaniexty, so worried, anxious, not sleeping well, brain working over time and seems to be worse at night , things are always worse at night though

what will the results be, wont find out till 16th june in clinc withe the prof

results have never been so significant, our whole future depends on these results, they mean life of death really. there isnt a better way to say it or clearer way to show the importance of these results

 We need to see that lenny has gone, or is close to being vapurised, as I can only have 8 chemo cycles of r chop, I ve had 6, so only two more to go now

There is other treatment, radiotherapy, I may need that anyway,I just would like to know what to expect, but thats the thing abut cancer, you arent in control, cancer is, cancer is the boss, he says what happens, although you can try and boss him arounbd and tell him what for, ultimately he decides your future.

I would like to be cancer free , I want to hear the words remission soon, had enough of this journey.  

anyway more nice things to think about, after the results wont be long till the family holiday, mum dad mand me keith and the little special light of my life Lottie, a week by the seaside, cant wait, walks on the beach, nice food, good company and fun days out! cant blooming wait :-)

...........and this weekend, the boys chairty bike ride, 12th June, round richmond park, we need to get some more sponsorships so if you are reading this please sponsor the boys and help raise as much as we can to support the UCLH , good luck to my fab husband Keith, Dad,cousin Colin, Kieron, Carl, Justin and Dave, we will all be there to support you, photos to follow next week.  lets see how much we can smash the target ! current total at £555!

http://www.justgiving.com/Tracey-Merryweather

F and P

Not updated the blog for a while, spent most of the week asleep and feeling rough, hardest cycle yet, think that they just get harder so need to reserve some strength for the next two fights, least i know that's all the chemo I can have, you can only have 8 cycles of r-chop, so if that hasn't blasted "the nothing/Lenny " into outer space than its some other treatment, I cant wait to finish this chemo business , its no picnic, knew it would be hard but didn't anticipate it being quite so draining. next chemo is 16th June and I have a scan booked for next Friday to See what 6 rounds has achieved,I  expect huge amounts of anxiety and fear on the days leading up to the results, the big day, 16th June, what will they be able to tell me, please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me, I need as much luck as I can get, Falcor?? where are you!?

Mostly this week I have been left with two words in my head, fear and panic, I thought I understood those words, but I never thought I would know fear like this, or panic, real fear is not knowing what the future holds for you, will I see my Lottie grow up( damn right I will, I m not going anywhere) but that is kind of out of my hands, I can fight but only Lenny gets to decide, he is a like a mean Simon Cowell, he has his opinion and holds his cards until the end! Its mostly at night when "the fear" creeps in,  fear is silent and sneaky,  slithering around waiting to jump into your mind just when its time to rest and relax, spinning ideas into your mind that you should/wouldn't and never thought you would have to think about. He has a best friend, panic, once fear has wrapped and tangled your thoughts panic joins him and starts that sick feeling in your stomach, your eyes to well up and a lump appear in your throat, and before you know it your heart is breaking and mind is warped. I m learning to bring myself back from the panic and fear world, or even better, not to let them both take over in the first place. Why should they win, I don't need another fight on my hands against this deadly pair, I m already fighting Lenny the almost invincible tumour, so fear and panic can naff off!

There are a things that I have realised since starting this and the most important one is just how lucky I am to have such an amazing family.

One special person who goes without credit is my sister

I'm not sure I would have coped at all, a huge tower of strength and continuing support even on the bad days, and they are more frequent recently. and I when f and p take over I m very moody, I know I m doing that, I know I ve changed as a person but I cant help it

I shall make it up to her tonight, at the party, off to Becs 40th, and looking forward to a night out, Lottie has a fab new dress to wear, she is going to look super special as always.

I ve had a lovely day so far today , F and P haven't mad an appearance! but two others did, I

Met the Lovely Mortimer and Miss T( mrs T now!) recently married and looking fab together, really cheered me up to see some special old faces( old as in old friends not old faces! )

the boys bike ride next Sunday the 12th June , Richmond park, hope to be able to go and support my husband and great friends and family whilst the cycle to raise money for the UCLH :)

BH

bank holiday, and didn't really think about that till late this afternoon

spent the day resting, there isn't much else I can manage

feeling sick, and horrid, and that would be putting it mildly

watched a few films in bed with my Lottie and Mr m this afternoon, Wall-e 

 Lottie really loved it but she asked lots of questions, which always makes me laugh.

a week more of maybe feeling this way and then maybe I ca have my taste buds back and not feel like this for a few days before we start all over again for round 7, cant actually believe I have to have 8 cycles, to think at the beginning they thought maybe 4, double the original idea, not sure how much strength I can have left for this fight, but I have to find it some where , to get back to where we were before all this came along to ruin our plans and lives. wat a miserable post, sorry, goes against everything I believe in, but hard to be happy when u feel like this, the days are long when you feel sick all day. hangovers will be easy after this! only last a day, this one lasts days on end with no fun before hand! have been able to drink tea, earl grey this time is my fav, but cant manage orange juice and water tastes of poison again, and that's mean.  nearly time for bed again, highlight of the day

the hangover part 6

feeling terrible, worst hangover yet, feel sick, and just rubbish in total.

hate this feeing, its the worst ever

cant think of anything to say today, other than briliant news for cous today, the big move is finally here, cant wait to see the new pad

and a nice trip to the bank today :-)

off for a nap now

its that time of the day again

today thurday the 26th May

and so the cycle begins again, dry mouth, funny tasting food, tingly arms and fingers, cold and hot, headache and totally shattered.like being run over by a few buses this time and maybe a motor home and hit by a few tourists and holiday makers with baseball bats !

didn't see the prof today, some other doc, a consultant, but a good one, nice chap. in the chemo lounge early and home by 3.30 this afternoon, lovely!

thanks to my super star mum for coming with me, I wasn't very entertaining today, closed my eyes for most of it, and made me fetch me some quavers and fizz! well if u cant be demanding when you have cancer when can you be! plus she likes to! even helped out half the chemo lounge by fetching drinks and food! what a sweetie, I m very lucky she is mine, not all mine, I do have to share her, but she is the best.

home to see a very happy smiling gorgeous face, my baby girl, big hug always helps make me smile

so today's news... super neutros, thanks to Mr injection, another injection Sunday to boost me again. and chemo booked in for the 16th June, looks like my birthday will be pants.

oh well, next years will be better.

PET scan being booked for few days before, waiting for the date to come through the post. so the 16 will be news day again, nerves and tension to follow , but one thing at a time,time to get better from this cycle first.

so I m having 8 chemos, i don't do things in a small way, go for the maximum i say, all the way to the end. not sure what is to follow,

 like mum and dads saying, it is what it is,

 what will be will be, I m going to take one day at a time, if I think too far ahead I only break my heart with worry, worrying about not being here or not having the strength for all this. I m not sure I have enough left, running quite low on strength, then my fighting side jumps up and shouts at me, to stop being a baby, fight harder, stay awake, enjoy every minute, have fun, that's what life is for. and I intend to, you wont win , I wont be beaten

round 6 nearly there or 3/4 way through

Round 6 tomorrow, cant quite believe I've had 5 nearly six cycles of this chemo. its taking its tole one me, I have to admit defeat there, I will never say I m tired again, well not say it and really mean it, because you don't know tired like this, its not nice, fun or remotely what I want to feel like at 31. feel more like 101

Lottie has been a star all week, love her too much to say. she keeps me going, without her I think I may have given up by now.

Nice letter with details of centre parcs holiday has made our week, nice family holiday for me Keith and Lottie in august, cant wait for it, maybe I ll be clear then, cancer free as such, no More chemo for sure as can only have 8 , it may still be going on, radiotherapy, stem cell treatment, but I m not going to think about those unless I really have to.

I like to think I will be free, free to have fun and enjoy ourselves, already thinking about what to take! and praying for a glorious 4 days of sunshine.

I have to have a little rant, about people moaning about trivial things, just stop and be grateful, think about what u have not what u need, 

what you want ,  

what you don't have,  

etc etc, moan moan moan,

I may have to stop going on face book as it mostly rages me at the moment.

If you read this do a favour for me and take a minute to think about all the things that are good for you

 being ill over shadows them all as you need one thing first, your health, even though I dont have the most important thing I can see that I have so many good things,

the nothing can take them away but not ruin them for me, only loan them for a short time,

I will have them back thanks!

I only have one wish to be healthy, something everyone takes for granted . I used to moan don't get me wrong but its frustrating seeing it for me, one thing cancer has taught me, be grateful for everything you have , I always had the glass is half full attitude and wish everyone did. ........ there rant over, feel bit better for that!

now more ppositive thing or else I ll be one of the misery's and that would be worse than having cancer!

off to pick grandad up, off for our pre chemo tradition of dinner with mum dad and mand, off to mands and maybe the pub if the weather holds out, its like my last supper before I have no appetite and things taste all wrong, I wont miss that when this is all over, " the nothing " will be soon long gone, and he can take all the nasty side effects with him. :-)

seaside

had a lovely weekend, went to the seaside withe the girls, thank you mum and Mandy, you are the best , love you so much

one night away, something to look forward to, something to enjoy, watching Lottie have so much fun always cheers me up

totally shattered now but it was worth it, and being away if only for one night, always makes your own bed seem perfect


we did all the seaside favourites
sandcastles, windbreaker, fish and chips, well mushy peas for Lottie, they are her favourite and of course ice creams and the amusements!
we went out for our dinner to a lovely pub, Lottie was an angel, she is getting very grown up and a pleasure to take out!

 
 
 lovely pub for a nice warm evening and good food by the water

Lottie enjoying her ice cream!

beautiful hemsby beach

collecting stones for the sandcastle

My beautiful girl

 Mmm mushy peas!

excited !

collecting stones with nannie x

Back to reality, chemo Thursday so two days and I ll be really poorly again, least I made the most of feeling not as bad, although I m totally shattered it was worth it :-) you wont beat me "nothing" your days are numbered, should hear on Thursday when my scan is, to see how we are doing, and when we can celebrate Lenny/the nothings downfall :-)

victory

Feeeling much better, a few small victorys recently have cheered me up, "the nothing " cant beat me, I m the amazing healing woman.
Even managed  a couplke of shandys last night witht he lovely Miss phillips, paying the price for it today, very tired but trying to ignore it and have some fun, off for lunch today with mum and nan and Lottie and then the seaside on sunday, cant wait, fingers crossed for ssome sunshine please! :-)

The Nothing

maybe I should rename Lenny, I need to sort out the paperwork and change his name, can I change his name? I never took him to be officially registered, I wonder what paperwork I need ?

I want to change his name to "the Nothing"

he reminds me of my favourite childhood film, The Never Ending Story

like in Never ending Story he is taking everything,The nothing takes trees, lakes, rocks, everything, destroying things slowly, leaving nothing behind

In my life, " the Nothing" is taking everything too, my happiness to start with, my hair, my work, my social life, my energy, he is draining me of positive thoughts, its creeping in slowly, I try everyday to ignore him but The nothing continues,I cant stop the nothing from breaking my heart everyday. there are moments where I forget I m ill, and then I walk past the mirror and I'm reminded, first by the bald head, its not a hair cut I would ever choose! there is no escape, how long will this last, 101 days to date since we found out.  It feels like the nothing is filling my mind, filling it with space and air, no room for happy or sad thoughts, just empty ones, totally void of anything.

 There is one thing he cant take, my Lottie, she doesn't know you are there and wont acknowledge you exist, she doesn't understand cancer, I hope she never remembers this time, and If i cant tell her about it, then I hope she knows she is the one beaming bright, helping me fight, giving me the biggest reason not to fall apart. because I feel like "the Nothing" will make make me crazy, or maybe I'm already mad.comparing cancer to childhood films.

Where is my luck dragon when I need him ..........Falcor! !!

wish Falcor would come and rescue me

101

101 days and still counting, feeling totally fed up today, there, I said it, do I feel better for saying it .... not really.
i should stop moaning, i do hate moaning but cant seem to think of anything good to say today. Its 2.21 in the afternoon and I m awake, maybe that's a positive thing, but my eyes are heavy and my bed is calling, what a life I have, living like a pensioner! great
really need to do some jobs, tidy up bedroom, my clothes etc,
r M has cleared away after dinner and hoovered so that will have to do, I don't have the energy for anything else. there was a time when the house not being perfect would have really upset me, it still does but I just know now that there are more important things to do, like recover! I wasn't giving myself any resting time before, and I know now that I need to, its hard to accept that I cant do everything that I used to do. It isn't forever and I have to remember that
I m going to try and get out tomorrow to playgroup, not sure if I can be brave enough to go, havent seen everyone and its lots of people to see in one go, I m not feeling confident, not about going anywhere at the moment, its not group, they are all lovely and miss going and so does lottie, we always used to go on a monday. I should be brave for Lotties sake and take her so she can have fun, my neutros are going to be at their best, wit the super injection, I have an immune system that acutally works at the moment , its the best time to go. anyway, time to stop worrying about simple things I used to do, time to sleep. again.

98

98 days, and yes I am counting!
maybe I can have a party on the 100th day! wonder how many days till I finish chemo, till they tell me he has gone, till they say I m in remission, must remember to take it one step at a time, lets start with how many days till end of chemo, would be nice to have that hangining over my head, its like a reminder that I m ill, there are lots of things to remind me but the chemo taking away my chances to plan things etc is one of the most annoying things, its in control everything revolves around when chemo is.

sleep is still on the menu, met auntie mandy today at lunch time straight from work, which meant another exciting train trip for my girl , we then had lunch in the pub, and back to mandys for a film, didnt manage to stay awake, had to sneak upstairs and have a nap, comfy bed sis, thanks ! glad you enjoyed watching bambi with my baby girl!

dinner at mum and dads, which was lovely and now home for more sleep, I feel shattered and think bed and bath on the menu already. Lottie is in bed, and its only 8.20, this must be what a pensioner feels like, a little taste of old age! its not much fun when you are only 31!

friday tomorrow, morning of fun with Dad and lottie planned, then no doubt..... sleep! life on the edge, rock and roll! I used to think i felt tired, but this is real tiredness, when your eyes burn, and blinking becomes hard work, I will never moan about being tired again once I m fighting fit again.
cant wait to be able to make the most of every day and not worry about being shattered half way throught he day.

old skool dayz

wishing my life away and wanting what I had before seems to be mostly on my mind this week, life was great before Lenny arrived, and I/we were happy with it all, it may not have seemed much to everyone else, but it was perfect for me, my handsome husband, and beautiful daughter, nice job, home, amazing friends and most importantly the very best family. its no rock and roll lifestyle but I was happy, and its all I want back please Lenny, that and some hair ! and a social life again, ( maybe this time with a few less brandys, I thought I would miss brandy but couldnt face one if you paid me right now!)

I had in my mind all these huge changes I wanted to make but I don't think I want anything different to what we had before,

I m starting to feel less sick, what a relief, my CNS says there is something else I can take to help with that sick feeling next cycle, so hopefully that should help make it more bearable.

Cant believe its only been 97 days since that horrible phone call from the doctor at Lister telling me I had cancer and needed to start chemo right away and to make my way to the hospital in London, seems like forever ago now. all the things you take for granted, all the things you worry about that just are not important.
cant wait to be worrying about what to wear as the single most important thing I do in the morning rather than the pills,the injections, how long till chemo and all the other horrible side effects that come with kicking Lenny's arse!

time to start getting back to being me, bossing and organising things, charity day to sort out, for the race for life party and coach to organise for the boys bike ride, already got quotes just need to sort out numbers for the 12th June. picnic to support our cyclists!

Plea?
we are looking for any offers for the 24th July  Charity party, raffle prizes, we are looking for local businesses to offer vouchers, free meals etc,  tombola prizes, stalls we can set up to make some money, cake stalls, lots of stuff for the kids would be really great, all ideas welcome,  any fun things we can do on the day then please let me know  at teamlyddonmerryweather@hotmail.co.uk  If you know anyone/company that can help please ask, I want to do something positive, someting good...........something I can be proud of

tuesday

since Thursdays chemo, its been a roller coaster of emotions, I m more tired and more sick than ever before, this has to be the worst cycle ever, unlucky number 5 maybe
Thursday was a long day but not as long as it usually is, and we have an earlier appointment next round on the 26th May, ready for round 6.

I had forgotten how hard it was, although its only 3 weeks in between each cycle I do forget, silly I know, hit me like a ton of bricks this time, as I had the super injection and had no neutropenic episodes and no ulcers! i felt more normal, not sure what that feels like actually, but normal for me since Lenny rocked up uninvited

Although the injection is horrible, it prevents the ulcers and i really hate those so i prefer the injection and its side effects. the biggest side effect is the aching, sore bones etc, its like i ve been in a car accident or maybe a nasty roller coaster that was a little bit too rough. even laying down hurts.

I m finding everything harder and harder, going out, seeing people, I should feel more confident but its going the other way. people stare and me and I hate it, I want to shout sometimes, I did have to say something the other day and whisper I ve got cancer to the man who must have taken 5 or 6 second glances, he went scarlet looked away and hope he went home and felt terrible, because that's how he made me feel. I don't enjoy being mean but couldn't help myself. Others want to be my new best friend, strangers on the bus, chatting away, asking questions or people seeming to be extra nice int he supermarket. not sure what I want people to do, suppose I want it to be like it was before when no one noticed you.

Still having serious hair envy, want my hair back, if only a little bit, having to worry about what to put on my head is a pain, hat, scarf, etc its hard work, least with hair, everything goes with your outfit!

Days are a bit hard to fill, it reminds me of that film  called "about a boy", when Hugh Grant says about fillings his day with units , each unit = half an hour,
cup of tea = 1 unit ( followed by pills)
put some washing on = 1 unit
trip to town =two units, maybe 3
lunch = two units,( followedd by more pills)
but then my afternoon is several units of sleep,
and its back round to dinner another unit, and then bath for the princess another unit etc etc!
there isn't anything to look forward to at the moment, except holiday and that's ages away! I want to be back on that beach, with the sun and Lottie digging and not worrying about filling time till the next set of pills or chemo etc etc

I ve had some lovely offers from friends to see them and thank them all, I will try and see a few more people, I am forcing myself to as I can see that I could just sit here at home and rot away soon, i try to take Lottie out, if only for a coffee or something, she loves a babycino! took her to feed the ducks today, she loved that, a really good girl, and a bus ride home, she is the only thing that can make me really smile at the moment. bought her a new dress for being good, she picked it, she is growing up fast. Time to sort out something for her tea, I ve had 4 units of sleep this afternoon and now a unit of blogging!

mambo number 5

chemo number 5 done, or as Jo said, is it a bi like mambo number 5!
"a little less of Lenny in my life, a little bit of Tracey feeling fine"
 that made me laugh out loud! thanks jo! x

I ve been more positive this week, until today,  had forgotten how crap chemo makes you feel, woken up feeling sick and no appetite again, hate this part, had some cherry coke so far today, cant face tea or coffee or milk or water, dare not eat but need to take my steroids and other pills this morning

but I wont be beaten by Lenny, saw the scan yesterday he is a bout he size of a clenched fist, so getting much smaller than the 18x16x10cm that he was a the beginning, having more chemo on 26th May then another scan, they don't expect to see nothing left of Lenny on the scan as I will be left with scar tissue, so there is a great chance this could be over in the near future, still a long journey to go, as prob need 3 more chemos and then maybe radiotherapy but I m over half way.

The last injection worked , so I have the same one again for this cycle, one booster injection, big bad one to kick those neuros into action, felt crappy after it last time but least I had no ulcers, so that's not a bad trade off. i ll inject it on Sunday and it should last till the next cycle of chemo, fingers crossed

need to go back to the seaside, felt happy and peaceful on that beach, wish could teleport there for the morning with Lottie, insead its pjs and kids tv and films and cuddles in bed, thats not too bad either though, she can always cheer me up, I love my little button Lottie :-)

elo

Only me, well feeling better than ever!

had a brilliant time with my baby girl, she makes me so happy words cant describe, if i didn't have her through all this misery I m not sure I would have coped, she smiles and I smile, I love her laugh and at the beach she laughed so much !

on saturday the dogs we have to take EVERYWHERE were all packed and someone woke up very excited! she wanted her hat like mummy which made me cry! but i didn't let her see but isnt  that she  so cute !

 

We had great weather apart from he wind! but we wont be frightened by the wind, cardys on and off we went to explore the sand, Lottie just loves digging in the sand!
the beach was seriously stunning, Sue had said it was amazing and she was right! , thanks for cheering me up the other day Sue, you are an amazing friend to mum and me too, started blogging again just for you x

feeling more positive now, a break is just what was needed, away from all the same views etc the beach is so nice, could have sat there all day!

Look at the sand, looks quite amazing for the uk doesn't it!

dont be fooled by the pics though, wind was blowing a gale but we were happy with it not raining, we arent a lucky family so for it not to rain all weekend wa a bonus!

wish I was back on the beach but instead its chemo week, had forgotten! Thursday is chemo number 5, kind of dreading feeling even more tired and beaten up and no appetite so maybe some more panic eating over the next few days! made a lovely dinner today for Keith and me as we were apart over the weekend, Lottie can have nice early bath and bed or stay up if she wants to,and eat with us maybe.

house is so untidy from the weekend but I don't care about that anymore, its not important, having fun and being with Lottie is more important today. we can tidy up later.

my fav picture of the weekend and I keep looking at her little happy face!

thanks to my super sis for organising the weekend away, just what the doctor ordered.

I m ready to kick Lennys butt again Thursday!

the wanted!

I m escaping, getting out of this town and the same surroundings, for two nights but thats all I need
something to look forward to
a break with Mandy, Mum, Lottie  Carla and Z
girls fun by the sea, thanks to mand finding us the break, cant wait, going this weekend, Lottie is excited and so am I, lots to do but havent the energy!

had some god news today, the last injection was a success, my neuts are at an all time high!
keep singing that stupid wanted song, how do you get up from an all time low,
that may be my neuts theme tune !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0LV_bETEzs

looks like the expensive injection worked , which was really good , as it meant it was worth doing and conquering the fear of injecting myself

spoke to my CNS today, she said I will have the injection again after the next chemo, its great not to have ulcers this round, have been "panic eating" which is what I call wanting and eating random things at random times incase the ulcers arrive the next day and as they stop me eating for a about a week, but it hasnt happned this time, so I need to be more careful ! and eat a bit more healthy as it looks like I can eat what I want for three weeks in a row this time.

The next chemo will be on the 5th May ...... no more news , cancer is getting boring now right!
so do one Lenny, I m bored of you

Not the news I wanted but I m going to fight on

well this morning was the day, results of the PET scan, and I was hoping for seriously good news, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't be great news!
and I was right, more chemo needed Lenny is still there!
I thought we would be here but hoped to hear some better words, like well done Mrs M, you are a medical marvel, all fixed, off you go, your hair will return and we don't need to see you for ages now, off you go!
but no such luck, he tried to upload the picture on the screen to show me but the computer wouldn't play and I couldn't see how much it had reduced
the prof seemed pleased and was happy with the result, he wants me to have 5 chemos and then PET scan again, so today is 4, and then 5th May is chemo 5, then another scan to see where we are, fingers crossed its all gone then. or I may need more chemo, I can have up to 8 chemo sessions.
who knows what the future holds for me, that's the part I cant handle to b honest, the not knowing, not being able to plan much.
but then the positive news, nothing under the arm, the armpit is clear, which is good, and the prof said good progress, all in the right direction, he was happy, so I have decided to be happy with the result, it was unrealistic to expect it to be all gone now. that would make me a medical marvel, the incredible healing woman! and lets face it, I m not that lucky!
The fight continues, I will still be the winner, I m confident of that , just the battle will be a little longer than I hoped for !

results day

I haven't blogged for ages, haven't had anything great to say,  and when i was younger mum said in that case its best to say nothing!
I don't want to be a  misery but the waiting is terrible , I really cant cant handle the waiting! I m not this patient!
Had my bloods today, hopefully they are all ok for tomorrow, I should be having chemo tomorrow as well as seeing the prof in the clinic with the results of Mondays PET scan,
everyone keep their fingers crossed for some good news, we really could do with some happy news, life has been full of misery at the moment, not just for me, but for my friends too, all with their own worries. I didn't realise life was this cruel.
I cant stop looking at peoples hair when i am out, I have hair envy, not just the good hair anymore, any hair would be a bonus at the moment! its cold having a bald head and not all the hair has fallen out so its in between which is just annoying! , its a bit like the hamlet advert, hair around the sides but none on top! the monk look, maybe it will catch on, I should style it out and show it off! not!
Not knowing what tomorrow holds makes me feel like I m on hold, on hold with my life, and the family and Lottie, after tomorrow we can plan more things, know what the next few weeks hold, at the moment it could be more chemo or radiotherapy or even a different type of chemo, I do hate not being in control! not that I m bossy or anything! :-)

12.50 and wide awake

wednesday night and I m wide awake which makes a change from being totally shattered
but wish I was shattered or could switch the thinking buton off to get some shut eye tonight

Been a busy week already, trip to the UCLH on monday, small enlarged lypmphnode under the armpit, the short version of the story is that maybe its a infection , anitbiotics prescribed and will have to wait for the scan. or maybe is something nasty, knowing my luck the last of the two.

PET scan is booked for monday,I m nervous as this is what we have been waiting for! the big scan, to tell us what the last 56 days have been for, the upset, pain, good and bad times, the worry for mum and dad, the worry for hubby and Mandy and everyone that has sent the lovely messages, cards, presents, texts and calls

heres hoping its good news, that Lenny ( unlike most men) listened, gahtered his stuff and moved on to lymphoma retirement home, for unwanted, unloved tumours, where he can put some slippers on, read the paper and watch a bit of tv, while some terrible music plays in the background, and some dodgey dinner arrives on a nasty trolley( a bit like the hospital!)

Update! misery has left the building, and hopfeully is taking Lenny with him!

Its been a few days since last logged on, after lots of lovely messages and a nice few days with the family , Lotties birthday, mummys day and a fun day out with Carla too and I feel loads better and I m no longer a misery

lots of news ...........
where to start?

Thursday I spoke to the CNS clinical nurse specialist, I had a letter which said they wanted to scan me early, couldn't  have come on a worse day, was already a state and it tipped me over the edge, worrying and upset followed but have decided to look at it this way, we will have more of an update before we thought we would, just not very good at unexpected stuff, thought I knew where we were! but they want to check me out, and have an appointment for Monday for the PET scan, off tomorrow to clinic to get checked out too as had a few aches and pains, so want to check everything is ok.

Then Thursday 14th is chemo and seeing the Prof, he should have all the results then, we should know where we are, what this chemo has done to Lenny, if has has packed all his belongings, or maybe he has left some stuff behind, he isn't a good house guest so I am expecting he has left some rubbish behind
so although the 14th could potentially be the last chemo, I m not putting all my hopes on it! fingers crossed it is though!

Had lotties 3rd birthday yesterday, had the best day, and it was mummy's day too!
she really is a special girl, she loved her presents, its was a fun filled day! first year she really understood the Birthday thing! she has a brilliant party, balloon man Steve was just perfect! and Shaun the sheep came too,although shaun wasnt popular with the brirthday girl although Lottie loved him before the party! fickle toddles, you can never win! he is her fave programme!

Lottie was most pleased to see her handsome friend Sam from nursery! a real great surprise for her, and it made her day ! ours too, lovely to see them so happy and playing nicely. she loved her new bike even if she did nearly brake daddy's back as he had to push it around for her! all her  and our friends were there and we hope they enjoyed it as much as we did, she has so many beautiful presents, thank you to you all for coming and making it such a good time! already thinking about next year!

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